Sunday, August 31, 2008

Long & Winding road

Once again I find myself on the group W bench. It seems like I have more ideas than I can shake a stick at. However, when it comes to selecting just one I become incapable of making a decision. Let's just list a few then:
Why are my thoughts alwasys in the form of imaginary conversations?
Do I have to put each item in the form of a question?
It's Sunday morning so my mind has obviously been on politics. For me politics is like the weather. I think about it constantly. I just never do anything about it. I guess that goes for my life in general. Nothing I do has any effect on the world. It's all just inside my head. It's a risk free existence. Is this the most rational course of action? It doesn't seem like it would be. If I could do anything I want would this be it? It seems like just the opposite of what I should be doing. People want to survive. For that they seek security. I have as much security as I'm going to get. I can only go down from here. I heard about a story once about a person who was too afraid to come out of a coma. I can identify with that person. I wonder if he had people around him coming in every day congradulating him on what a good job he was doing taking care of himself? Is it that I have no honor? If I had any honor I would be out there trying to take care of myself instead of letting other people do it for me. Rich people let other people take care of them. They just spend more money doing it. I'm trapped in the land of excuses. I keep trying to convince myself that this is the best possibe outcome for the situation I have found myself in. I'm free to do anything I want which turns out to be nothing. What's wrong with this picture? I want to do something just not anything within my capabilities. When I was young I wanted to stop the war between the rich and poor. That's why I went into robotics. There only needs to be one more invention if it is the right one. Robots for Research! I gradually ran out of steam which is where I am at right now, so I'll return later.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Few Minutes of Feeling Good

Well, what the hell am I doing here? I'm revved up and ready to go. I have barely gotten out of bed the past week, so I'm well rested. I need to burn off some energy. I guess all my sentences are going to start with "I". Who am I talking to in my head? Who's approval do I need? Why am I like that? What does it matter? I think I may be having a problem focusing. I have no purpose other than keeping myself busy. Let's see how negative I can get about myself. That's what it always comes back to. Isn't it? When in doubt turn on myself. What makes me that way, and what do I do about it? These are probably the same questions I had my first time in therapy. I've come a long way. Haven't I? I can feel it turning. I'm getting control of myself by getting down on myself. Now I'm running out of gas. The thrill is going. I should end here. The rest will get worse and worse. I was inspired. Now I am just bored. Writing is theraputic. I don't want to quit. I want to write something that will justify my existence. I want to be worth something. Can I get that by writing? I could if I wrote something successful, something other people would want to read. It's too bad. I'm just me.