Friday, December 31, 2010

A cold day in hell

Okay, I'm freezing my fingers and toes off. Once I get cold it seems impossible for me to get warmed up again. I've had lots of thoughts that I wanted to record over the past couple of days, but now that I have the opportunity I draw a blank. I suppose I need to keep notes. I need to do lots of things. First of all I need to be a better person. I thought I might give $20 to a guy that gives out free cigarettes this morning but he wasn't there this morning. I think about the things I could do with a roll of plastic, tents,raincoats and sleeping bags, etc. I could use lathes for poles and stakes. I still haven't decided what to use for cord. Also I' m thinking about what I use with cheap chain and padlocks to give homeless some way to keep valuables safe. I could pitch a tent in one of the places I've found and then lead a homeless person to it. Every morning I get off the bus at 4th & D and walk down to the showers and hang out. It was so cold this morning I didn't stay long. It's new years eve. I deserve a break. Then I go to the shelter next to the mission and hang out. That's where I thought I was going to see the guy that was giving out free cigarettes. It's hard to be nice without encouraging them to loiter. Maybe that's enough for today.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Problems at Home

Third time's a charm. Have I run myself dry yet? I guess I need to wonder if this is going to be another negative post. I was going to write about the problems I was having with my room mate. He started yelling at me again out of nowhere, and I'm just not going to tolerate it. I don't want to get him kicked out. There is another guy, Al, that he ought to room with. I guess my biggest problem is the way I react. I'm afraid the confrontation is going to get physical. He'll claim it is my fault, and we'll both get kicked out. All I do is daydream about conversations with Al. I have been doing some meditation where I block out all my thoughts, so I guess I'm trying to use this as a growth experience. I think I must daydream about conversations with Al because they give me comfort. I just need to retreat into fantasy to feel okay. I can't help myself. It has plagued me since I was a young child. My thoughts are not my own. When it comes to my train of thought I have no self control. I think it must be connected to my avoidant personality disorder
"There are spaces between everything that he said
Strangers had taught him to live in his head."
John Prine
It's an old song. Isn't it? I just cry and cry about it. It has been tremendously difficult to develope any insight into it. I guess personality disorders are that way. So it's back to the same old, same old. Nothing new here. Maybe someday.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Been up. Goin' down

Same place, same time, same shit, different day. Oh, the inspiration! It's just flooding my body. Where do I go from here? Onward and upward. They can't all be gems. Yeah, I'm special, so where's the genius? Let's just beat myself up a little and see what comes out. Maybe I could be real for once. That would be special. But alas, I'm locked in a daydream. It's a mood disorder. They have medication for it. Did you ever try to write on medication? It's a lost cause. I must just love to hate myself. It's the one thing I can do that everybody can get on board with. Suicide is the only solution that solves every possible problem. And it will always be an alternative. It's really hard to get away from. Who says there's no such thing as perfection? It's all in what you're trying to accomplish. I can feel the shit dribbling out of the corners of my mouth again. But I can't stop. I'm on a roll. I'm everything I always wanted to be - in hate with myself. There's no problem where I fit in now. I don't. It's all over but the cryin'. Still I go on. Born to Babble. I don't care if anybody is listening or not. I gotta speak. It's all about me. Nothing else matters. Me, me, me. Who else am I doing this for? Am I makin' friends and influencing people? I don't think so. So let's put an ending on this. It needs to be really grandiose. When I have never been grandiose? Like I said it's a mood disorder. And there there's a narcissistic personality thrown in there and an avoidant personality disorder and a borderline personality disorder too. I'm just a floating stew of dysfunction. Is it any wonder I'm so happy? I'm just a joy to be around. Who could ask for a better life than this? I'm just a wonder to behold.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

One more time, with feelin'

Well, here I am again. It has been a long time. I'm sittin' in a coffee shop wonderin' what to do with my life. Big surprise, huh? I really don't have to do a damn thing. I'm fine just the way I am. I'm sixty years old. I pretty much am what I am. I'm listening to a homeless guy talk to himself. It doesn't bode well for my time here this morning. I'm sitting here feeling like people are admiring me. In other words I'm feeling pretty full of myself. That means my mood is up which means I'll have to pay for it later an with a mood that will be telling me something is about to go terribly wrong. Such is the life of the mentally ill. Am I complaining? I'm just trying to take stock of myself. I have this urge to tell these things to other people, so instead I'm writing them down here. I have the urge to start writing thoughts that will make an impression, grandiose things. I want this time to stand for something. I want it to be remembered. I'm like that all the time. I just want to be special. Like Harvey Firestein used to say, "I just want to be loved. Is that so bad?" So I'm writing here for the first time in how long? I feel like I'm putting on a show for the people around me. Look at me, a productive person being productive. I'm making a difference. Yeah, right. It's all fake. I'm just pretending. I've always been this way ever since I was little. But I am writing here for the first time in a long time. That's special, but is it enough? It's never enough. I'll probably have a computer glitch and lose it all. And what real difference would that make? Nothing I do here is going to make any difference. I'm just kidding myself as usual. It's just another day in paradise. Nothing is going to change. It'll be like I was never here. How's that for being loved? Man, am I going around in circles! Going in circles or doing nothing at all, now there's what I call options. I'm really going on and on. I guess it's because it's been so long since I've done this. I don't want to quit. I want it to last forever. So, I've got to go, better with a whimper than a bang. I can publish this and then do some more. I don't have to ever quit. I can stay here forever.