Thursday, September 11, 2008
Around We Go
Okay, we pretty well established last time that I can't write. So where do we go from here? I guess I just sit here and argue with myself. I can do that. Can't I? That's about all I can do, just go around in circles. It's the one thing I'm good at. I guess I'm trying to make myself look good by putting myself down. Is that my secret? Have I made a great discovery? Have I finally become the great person I always felt I was? I mean what is so different between me and everybody else? It's all just a matter of degree. Some people stand out. Some are just part of the crowd. I was born to stand out. At least I felt as though I was. I think it's called narcissism. There's also some arrogance in there. It comes from being told you are nothing as a young child. You just naturally compensate. So that's where I'm at. I'm just a common guy with a lot of deficits one of which is thinking that he's a great person. I love to complain about my childhood. I love to blame all my problems on the way I was treated. I still believe it. It just feels right. They used to tell me in therapy, "It may be your parents fault that you're screwed up, but it's your fault if you stay that way." So here I am, still screwed up. I've just drifted through life, never accumulating anything, never developing any long term relationships. I'm just a total loser. Man, does it feel good! I'm finally the person I'm suppose to be. I've always been, but at least I realize it now. I'm a loser! All I do is detract from society. I'd be better off dead. Hate me with all the force that is within you. This reminds me of the book, "The Stranger", by Albert Camus. I really didn't understand it, but it was a simple book.
So where does that leave me? Have I solved the problem? What problem? Where do I go from here? I've just been going around in circles. Shall I continue? I just need to get started. I need a jumping off point. I need something that really ticks me off, something I can sink my teeth into. I've pretty well exhausted my train of thought, haven't I? I'm at the end of the road. It's all over but the cryin'. I just don't want to quit. I want to stay here without really doing anything. It's the ultimate job. Like everything else I want it is undeliverable. It's the opposite of what's real. It's a sad state of affairs. Eventually I always find myself in this position.