Friday, September 12, 2008
All Hat and no Cattle
I'm in heaven. I'm goin' a mile a minuste. Shall I explain why? I think not. Let it be enough that I am the way I am and go from there. Thank you for all the things that brought me to this point, but I'm here to go forward not to remember the past. Still, I'm happy as a camper. We all know how long that is going to last. What goes up must come down. Let's just speed things up. What can I do to get really down on myself? I hate me. I despise the very ground I walk on. It's kind of like Romeo and Juliet. I disown who I am. Maybe I should cut myself or scratch myself really badly. That would get me back in control. Why do I want to be in control? Why do I want to come down? Is it my insecurities again? I want to be real. I don't want to live in a fantasy land. When I'm real I drift off to fantasy. When I'm fantasizing I want to get back to being real. Now that's the cycle of life for me. I'm trapped like Sisyphus. We all probably are one way or another. So that's that. What else is new with me? What really trips my trigger? What have I been writing about these last few entries? I'm in that frame of mind where I will leave no thought unexpressed. It feels so good. I can actually get a handle on myself. This is what is going on with me. You don't know how often that is not the case. There are many times I feel like hell, and haven't gotten a clue as to why. I don't know why as to most things. I'm traveling around clueless. It's like that guy in the movie, "The Green Mile". I'm just a lost little soul who can't find his way home. It's pathetic. I wish I could write something down that would make this entry memorable. I guess that's a lost cause. I'm lost in a whirlwind.