Thursday, December 23, 2010

One more time, with feelin'

Well, here I am again. It has been a long time. I'm sittin' in a coffee shop wonderin' what to do with my life. Big surprise, huh? I really don't have to do a damn thing. I'm fine just the way I am. I'm sixty years old. I pretty much am what I am. I'm listening to a homeless guy talk to himself. It doesn't bode well for my time here this morning. I'm sitting here feeling like people are admiring me. In other words I'm feeling pretty full of myself. That means my mood is up which means I'll have to pay for it later an with a mood that will be telling me something is about to go terribly wrong. Such is the life of the mentally ill. Am I complaining? I'm just trying to take stock of myself. I have this urge to tell these things to other people, so instead I'm writing them down here. I have the urge to start writing thoughts that will make an impression, grandiose things. I want this time to stand for something. I want it to be remembered. I'm like that all the time. I just want to be special. Like Harvey Firestein used to say, "I just want to be loved. Is that so bad?" So I'm writing here for the first time in how long? I feel like I'm putting on a show for the people around me. Look at me, a productive person being productive. I'm making a difference. Yeah, right. It's all fake. I'm just pretending. I've always been this way ever since I was little. But I am writing here for the first time in a long time. That's special, but is it enough? It's never enough. I'll probably have a computer glitch and lose it all. And what real difference would that make? Nothing I do here is going to make any difference. I'm just kidding myself as usual. It's just another day in paradise. Nothing is going to change. It'll be like I was never here. How's that for being loved? Man, am I going around in circles! Going in circles or doing nothing at all, now there's what I call options. I'm really going on and on. I guess it's because it's been so long since I've done this. I don't want to quit. I want it to last forever. So, I've got to go, better with a whimper than a bang. I can publish this and then do some more. I don't have to ever quit. I can stay here forever.

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