Monday, December 27, 2010

Problems at Home

Third time's a charm. Have I run myself dry yet? I guess I need to wonder if this is going to be another negative post. I was going to write about the problems I was having with my room mate. He started yelling at me again out of nowhere, and I'm just not going to tolerate it. I don't want to get him kicked out. There is another guy, Al, that he ought to room with. I guess my biggest problem is the way I react. I'm afraid the confrontation is going to get physical. He'll claim it is my fault, and we'll both get kicked out. All I do is daydream about conversations with Al. I have been doing some meditation where I block out all my thoughts, so I guess I'm trying to use this as a growth experience. I think I must daydream about conversations with Al because they give me comfort. I just need to retreat into fantasy to feel okay. I can't help myself. It has plagued me since I was a young child. My thoughts are not my own. When it comes to my train of thought I have no self control. I think it must be connected to my avoidant personality disorder
"There are spaces between everything that he said
Strangers had taught him to live in his head."
John Prine
It's an old song. Isn't it? I just cry and cry about it. It has been tremendously difficult to develope any insight into it. I guess personality disorders are that way. So it's back to the same old, same old. Nothing new here. Maybe someday.

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